Monday, November 30, 2009

Naughty or Nice? Let's go with naughty.

I must have been naughty this year because Santa isn't throwing any favors my way.

Yesterday, I bought my Christmas tree. It is Football Sunday at my house, and I know better than to ask John to do anything outside of a two foot viewing range from a TV on Football Sunday. If I wanted a tree right away, I was on my own.

Luckily, my brother was willing to go tree shopping with me since he mainly watches the Seahawk's games and doesn't mind just DVRing them.

So, off we go a tree shopping. My brother wanted to get his tree first but I insisted we get mine first since Bella was over at his house with Grandma and I would have to go get her in the end anyway. He agreed.

As my brother and the overly friendly tree guy are moving the tree to the car, I go inside to pay and tell the lady that I will be back in about a half an hour to buy another tree for my brother. "Oh, you are coming back?" she asks so sweetly. I nod. "Wonderful, let me have your name and we can give you a discount on your second tree."

Dammit! That discount should've been mine!

Oh well, get over it. I go back to the car and the overly friendly tree guy is "securing" the tree to the trunk of my brothers sedan. What the hell? This isn't how it was done last year. But what do I know? We roll with it.

Two minutes of driving and the tree is shifting way to much. I suddenly realize that there isn't anything keeping the tree from rolling off the back of his car because it is just tied to the spoiler. I start to voice this concern, but in the middle of my sentence the tree falls off the back of his car!

We are dragging my Christmas Tree!!!

We pull over and my brother hefts the darn thing back onto his trunk and has me sit in the back holding the twine. I am now the securer of tree-onto-trunk (this should be my Native American name). My brother and I are laughing because the whole scene is reminiscent of the infamous Home Funniest Video where the windshield wipers aren't working so these two ladies (or it could be men - all I know is that they are laughing like girlies) have tied string to each wiper and the passanger has been assigned the task of manually wiping the windshield.

Anyhoo, my tree makes it home without any other mishaps. Obviously I, Securer of Tree Onto Trunk, did a job well done.

We go back to get my brother's tree and he gets a $10.00 discount. Ten bucks?! That is Starbucks for a week! I am bitter. I don't hide my bitterness well. Especially when he got a tree that is twice the size of mine and for $30 less!

I refused to give him his $16 in change.

He tried to take his money back, but was unsuccessful. He realized that I wouldn't release his change so he suggested we buy lunch with the change. Ok, works for me. We go to a drive-thru and I order everything I can to stretch the $16 as much as possible. We finish our order and the drive-thru voice says, "Thank you, that will be $17."

Son-of-a-biznatch! Foiled again! I now owe a buck.

Have I learned my lesson yet? Nope.

My brother has an excess of Christmas lights. I ask him if I can have some so that I don't have to buy any new ones (I just moved into my own home earlier this year). He, obviously being the nice one, told me to go for it. I grab the lights that I know work and plug it in, just to be sure. All is clear.

Bella and I hang out for a while longer before we leave. I drive home and empty my car of all my Christmas stuff. I get in the house to prepare for decorating the tree. I start with the lights.

The lights?

Where the hell are my lights?!

Dammit! I left them at my brother's. He lives seven minutes away, so I trudge back to my car and go back to grab my lights.

I get back home and John peels himself away from the TV long enough to help me string the lights on the tree (which, by the way, he kept complaining about how when his mom did this, it was always a one person job). My intention was to make sure that the lights were on so that Bella could help put on the ornaments once she woke up from her nap.

Oh those good intentions.

Ok, lights are on. I go to plug in the lights to make sure I don't have any sparse areas. Ta-da! Lights!

Lights. On the bottom of the tree. Lights in the middle of the tree. NO lights on the top of the effing tree!

Dammit! Why, Santa? Why? All I want is a beautiful tree for my first Christmas in my beautiful new home. Have I really been that naughty this year?

*I just re-read this post and now realize that I deserve every bad thing that happened to me yesterday. I may (or may not) buy my brother lunch to make up for holding his change hostage.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving!!!

Just wanted to say "Happy Turkey Day!" (sorry, it really cracks me up when people call it that)

Unfortunately, I am sick (yet again).

I think it is nature's way of telling me not to over eat on this holiday of gluttony. Eh, I will probably work through the sickness and eat five pounds worth of food anyway.

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Weigh-In Wedn ... Oh nevermind

Yeah. We are going to skip Weigh-In Wednesday this week.


Ok, fine. At least until December 2nd. My new day one.


Friday, November 20, 2009

Music To My Ears

There is nothing sweeter than hearing someone say, "Have a nice weekend!" at 5:00 p.m. on a Friday.

Love the weekend.

One of the perks about working is that Fridays actually mean something. As a stay at home mom, everyday was a weekend, it kind of lost its meaning.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Weigh-In Wednesdays


I have gained 0.8 pounds. I went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday but still didn't lose weight. How could that have happened? I mean all I ate yesterday was half of a chocolate muffin, a salad, some ham, stuffing, pumpkin cheese grits, scalloped potatoes...

cheesecake, a roll...

fruit salad...pumpkin pecan bar thing...

uh, and more salad, steak... um, Baby Ruth...

drumstick ice cream...


... That's why.

Ok, so considering it all, I should be happy that I didn't gain 50 pounds. Give me a break, we had our Thanksgiving potluck at work yesterday. Bad excuse, I know.

So, yes, I fell off the wagon. But the holiday season is haaaarrrddd! *insert whiney voice here*

No more excuses.

I am going to be a bridesmaid in my brother's wedding in June. I refuse to be the heffer that ruined their pictures. My original goal was to lose 80 pounds (good god, what is that, the equivalent of a 10-year-old?!?!?!).

Since December of 2008, I have lost a total of 19.8 pounds.

Great, so now I just have to lose the equivalent of an 8-year-old.

Remember affirmations. I will! I will! I will!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Sleep. Love Sleep.

When I was a teenager, once upon a hell of a long time ago, I remember running on a few hours of sleep a night, sometimes only taking a quick power nap. Nothing was more important than hanging out with friends and house parties. Go out Friday night until the wee hours of the morning (seriously, like 3:00 AM - the perils of my push-over of a single mom. SORRY, Mom!) and then waking up at like 8:00 to go to my part time job for eight hours on Saturday. Didn't need coffee, just my young age to keep me going all day.

Since becoming a mother in 2005, I have come to appreciate sleep.

If I don't get enough sleep during the weekdays, my mornings are pretty interesting. Here are some reasons that I need to get eight hours of sleep a night:

1.) I wake up resentful of the person sleeping in next to me because he has a day off. As a result, I make as much noise as possible to wake him. (Hey, if I can't sleep in, NO ONE can!)

2.) It is no fun putting your child's bubble gum flavored toothpaste on your toothbrush only to realize it a moment after it enters your mouth.

3.) I am an adult now; therefore, I shouldn't get my left hand and my right hand confused, resulting in putting a sippy cup full of milk in my mouth instead of the cup of coffee I am holding in the other hand.

4.) Slippers are not appropriate to wear to work.

5.) It is illegal for your child not be buckled in while driving. (Thank goodness I have a responsible 3-year-old who is more alert than Mommy and will scream, "I'm not buckled in, Mom!")

6.) Bad idea to whiz past your child's daycare, because frankly, she is too young to be put to work at the office. (Again, thank goodness for my child who pipes up to say, "I don't see my school, Mom." Making it possible for me to pull a quick, and illegal, U-Turn.

Man, Sleeping Beauty didn't know how good she had it. Personally, knowing what I know now, I would've smacked Prince Charming across the head for waking me.

Monday, November 16, 2009

Sephora Atomic Volume

Sephora's Atomic Volume Mascara's claim: "Get maximum volume with one stroke of this innovative brush that wedges between lashes to separate and coat from root to tip."

Morning Application: The brush was a little scary at first. It is the kind of brush with the thick plastic bristles. But it is my favorite mascara so far. The brush worked really well to coat my lashes.

Overall Impression: Dramatic, yet subtle enough for everyday wear. Again, my favorite mascara so far.

Hmm... lookin' a little drunky-drunk

Friday, November 13, 2009

Hardy harr harr

I have this friend. I will keep her anonymous, but I can disclose that her name begins with a "G" and ends with and "ermaine". She is funny. Not funny in a stand-up kind of way, but funny in an awkward moments joking kind of way. Basically, she makes me laugh with her wit and off-handed comments.

So, while I was busy looking at other people's blogs, I came across this one:

You will have to actually go and look at that blog to have Germaine's Anonymous Funny Friend's response make you smile too. No worries, I will wait...

Did you look at it?


Just do it.


So, I send Germaine Anonymous Funny Friend the link with the subject line of "Cool".

Nothing else, no text in the body of the email except the link.

I come in to work this morning with a response from her. Germaine Anonymous Funny Friend wrote:

"Dude the pointy nails are creepy, I hope that's not the new trend. Good luck picking your nose with those things."

She is totally serious.

Thursday, November 12, 2009


Everyone is either taking part in or blogging about NaNoWriMo, so I figure I put my two cents in also.

I don't get.

From November 1st to November 30th, the goal is to keep writing. The only stipulation is that you finish your book with at least 50,000 words by the end of the month. Here is a quote from their "About" portion of their website:

"Because of the limited writing window, the ONLY thing that matters in NaNoWriMo is output. It's all about quantity, not quality. The kamikaze approach forces you to lower your expectations, take risks, and write on the fly.

Make no mistake: You will be writing a lot of crap. And that's a good thing. By forcing yourself to write so intensely, you are giving yourself permission to make mistakes. To forgo the endless tweaking and editing and just create. To build without tearing down."

To take a page from Mary J. Blige: I can do bad all by myself. I guess I just don't understand all the hooplah about a website that asks you to care about quantity, not quality.

For all of us that write but can't get published, isn't every month NaNoWriMo?

I am 9,960 words into my second book.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


I haven’t been listening to the radio much lately. I know it’s been out for a while, but I just got a copy of Lady Gaga’s CD, The Fame, and I effing love it! I have been playing it non-stop for the last few weeks. I mean with lyrics like “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick” how could I not have the entire CD on repeat?

So, basically I have been out of the new song loop for quite a while. Yesterday, I decided to add another challenge to my weight loss goals and forced my family to take a 30 minute drive at 8 pm to go get some Krispy Kremes. On the way home, a very catchy, upbeat, electronica sounding song was playing. My brother was talking about how it is the dumbest song he has ever heard and he thought that it was a joke when he first heard it, but no, it is an actual song getting play on the radio.

It was “Firefly” by Owl City.

After listening to the song, I have to admit that the lyrics are kind of out there, but it is still catchy enough that I liked it (yes, I do have questionable taste in music). My favorite line from the song is “'Cause I'd get a thousand hugs/From ten thousand lightning bugs." I mean it is all in the delivery of the cheesy lyrics; for example, if the lyrics were, “I just got swarmed by a whole shit load of bugs” then it might not have been as appealing. And guess what - it was the number one selling single on iTunes. That’s right, I bought it. My brother was super excited.

Ok, it is time to peace out because I am freezing my ass off at the park while my daughter is climbing up the slide.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Why Hello, Blog

Have you missed me, Blog? Yes, I am sorry I haven't written in a while. I now realize that maybe I shouldn't be perusing other blogs so much because I tend to forget about my own.

Bad, bad blogger!

Well, Blog, I have written a special post for you that I have called "Ode to My Laundry"

Oh Laundry, why art thou not done?

I spent all of Sunday, with you all around
No, no, this isn’t what I like to call fun
You are scattered all over, all over the ground

I try to finish you all, all in one day
Maybe tis best to work you through the week?
Oh, why can’t I just push you away?
Who will finish you, then? Whom will I seek?

Alas there is no other
None with some brawn
Not even the father
Because football is on

Wah wah wah. Whatever, you come up with something better in 10 minutes.

My job today is done.

Friday, November 6, 2009

Straitjackets Are Slimming

I have already told most of you about the Straitjackets Are Slimming blog. It is written by Maya Rickards who is a single mother of two.

If you haven't checked out her blog, you must! She is hilarious in that I-hate-life-most-days-but-see-the-humor-and-keep-on-trucking kind of way. She is cynical, sarcastic, and funny. If you are looking for a good laugh, check her blog. She is putting up a post once a day for the month of November.

My favorite quote from her post today is:

"Thank you, to my sons daycare provider, who reminded me to always keep an extra set of clean clothes in his cubby, by putting him in lace trimmed capris complete with “cutie” spelled out in rhinestones across the butt."

It reminded me of my little Bella who one day decided to put on someone else's clothes at pre-school, went up to the teacher and said, "Miss Amanda, do you like my new clothes?"

Ah yes, my daughter the klepto.

Lancome Clis Booster

Lancome Clis Booster Claim: "Start by giving your lashes a boost with this conditioner base that enhance the effects of any mascara."

Morning Application: This was a mascara base that I finished off with Sephora's Atomic Volume Mascara. It took a few swipes of the wand to build up my lashes. They appeared to be longer, but by the time I put the mascara on, the base had dried so much that it was a little hard to get the mascara on.

Overall impression: I probably wouldn't buy this. It ended up making the tips of my lashes too heavy and they were drooping funny. Might be better suited for someone with really thick lashes that need some lengthening.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Dammit I'm Sick!

Yes, I am sick again. I am always sick. If I am not sick, then my daughter is sick and I will shortly catch whatever she has. It's great. My daughter is learning how to share everything beautifully.

Even if I am sick, I feel like I HAVE to go into work. I missed a lot (like a lot, a lot) of work last winter and I don't want to be the employee that is always gone. The problem with coming into work sick is that you have healthy people yelling at you all day long to "go home!!!"

Damn the healthy people.

Ok, enough ranting about my sickness...I just mailed off my last car payment!!! Whoo hoo!!!! Happy dance! Happy dance! Stankey Leg! Happy dance!

This is great news for me because now I have an extra $300 a month towards getting my credit card balances down. Now that I am done with my car payments, I almost wish that they had been like $500 payments so that I would have that much more now. Maybe my next car... I keed, I keed!!

I will have to look in the mirror everyday and start doing affirmations or something - I will be debt free before I turn 29. I will be a stick by the time I am 30. I will be a published author before I die. I will, I will, I will!

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

White Hot

I have made the mistake of following a couple of blogs dedicated to shoes. Through reading and looking at pictures, I started looking at shoes online. Like I have money to buy them.

I came across these Giuseppe Zanotti shoes. MSRP $1,079. In the words of Carrie Bradshaw - Hello, lover...

I love shoes, I used to buy shoes just to buy them. Shoes and purses were my addiction because no matter what size you are, they always fit. I soon realized that I had a lot of pretty shoes that I never would wear because they were super uncomfortable.

I stopped buying shoes for the hell of it and now, to ease my symptoms of shopping withdrawal, I like to add things to my online shopping cart but never actually buy anything. It's cathartic. Nordstrom likes to send me a polite email basically saying, "We know your broke ass is not going to buy this stuff, so knock it off!"

And I have credit debt why?????

Weigh-In Wednesdays!

Wednesdays are my official weigh-in days. Since last Wednesday, I have lost 3.4 pounds. Yay me! No, we shall not mention the fact that I had gained 3 pounds from the week before so I have technically broken even.

I am happy with my weight loss though. Tuesdays are stressful for me because it is my last day to get in a good work out and eat right until my next weigh-in. Ironically, Tuesdays end up being my really bad days because I am so stressed out that I tend to stress-eat, which defeats the purpose of the last minute work out.

Some day, a psychologist will come across my blog and will tell me that my conflicting thoughts are leading me towards schizophrenia. I will have to whole-heartedly agree.

And in honor of my daughter's favorite show, Sesame Street turns 40 today. Man that show is old, I was even watching it when I was a kiddo.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Because It's Football Season

This one is for John (who doesn't read my blog, thanks for the support!) and Germaine. This almost makes me want to watch more football.

First, here is the
article by Michael David Smith:

A football player who became momentarily confused on a punt return tackled his own teammate during a semi-pro game last week.
Mauriece McIver was playing on the punt return team for the Las Vegas Cobras when, for reasons he himself probably can't understand, he decided to tackle his own teammate, who was breaking into the clear for a long return. This wasn't a player accidentally bumping into his teammate, this was a player perfectly wrapping up his teammate for a textbook form tackleWhen you first hear that McIver tackled his own teammate you might think he had a grudge against him or something, but no: You can tell from his reaction that McIver was upset with himself when he realized what he had done. McIver buried his head in his hands afterward, but the damage was done. I wonder what the post-game conversation was like.

Poor #32, it looks like everyone on his team was trying to stop him. At the 0:15 mark, another one of #32's teammates obstructed his way before he gets tackled by the other guy.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Coffee Anyone?

In my quest to save money, I had John buy a coffee maker.

I decided that Starbucks is not very good for my bank account and one of the ways to save money would be to buy a coffee maker and make my own damn coffee in the morning. Really though, the reason we don't have a coffee maker is because I can't drink it. Coffee works like a fast acting laxative for me. My brother's fiance drinks coffee the moment she wakes up to make herself - ahem! - go number two before she leaves for work so she won't have to go while at work. Brilliant! Nothing more embarassing than running to the public bathroom at work and squeezing your cheeks to hold it in when someone else walks in. (How is that for TMI?)

Anyhoo, John and I head to our favorite Saturday hang-out: Target. We go down the coffee maker aisle and we both pick the same one. Perfect! Between Saturday and Sunday, John brewed coffee four or five times! How in the world did this man live without a coffee maker for so long? Has he been personally financing the Starbucks employees payroll?!

Then I realized the real reason for all the coffee brewing. John is a tech nerd. I thought he just loved all of the new game consoles and computery stuff, but apparently it is worse than I thought. It looks like any new appliance will give him his "new toy" high.

Have I introduced John to you all yet? He is my fiance/beta book reader/baby daddy. And we can add another slash to that: /mad coffee fiend. Here is a picture of him and our daughter, Bella, from Halloween 2005.


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Wasn't that laid to rest?

Ok, so yes, remember that book that I had laid to rest? Well, I had... sort of.

First, let me give you a rundown of how to get a book published. No, strike that, the process on how to get a literary agent that can get your book to a publishing house so that they can maybe, possibly, *think* about publishing your book.

Step one, you have to write a query letter, basically an author's resume that includes a synopsis of your book, author's credentials, and why your book is so cool.

This letter is hard to write because it is so pivotal. You are selling your how-ever-many-paged book on a one page letter. If this doesn't sound hard, then let me just come out and say that it is the biggest effing headache ever.

However (oh, yes, there is always a "however" or a "but" in any of my "convictions"), if you can't write a good query letter, then you shouldn't be writing a book. You call yourself a writer? Then write! Just...write shorter.

So, first hurdle is writing a query delicious enough for an agent to say, "ok, you've piqued my interest, send me the first XX amount of pages."

The excitement at one of those partial requests is enough to get me high as a kite. Seriously, there must have been some kind of powdered drug sent with that request, like anthrax but good.

And then (drum roll please!!!)

You wait ...

And then you wait some more...

... Still waiting ...

And then, just like any other high, I come down. And it always happens at this point for me. I haven't gotten past that partial request hurdle. I have decided that since none of the 80 agents I queried wanted to take me on, then this project is a dud.

So, now I have this 75,000 word book on a flash drive and nothing to do with it... Or have I?

After my most recent rejection *sniff!* I have decided to start releasing my book on this here blog 'o mine. I will edit my book (I had some tense issues that I need to work on) and start releasing about ten pages a week starting in December, maybe January at the latest. Now I am not saying it is the next Twilight or that it is the best book out there, but dammit - it's mine, I wrote it, I worked really hard on it!

I am also not trying to say that I know better than the agents out there that rejected me. I value their overwhelming consensus of "no" for this book, but it is my baby. It's like having a really ugly baby and not knowing it, so you show him/her off to the world as if you are holding the next Gerber Baby.

This project is my Ugly Baby.